insider

miss jh has just written to suggest i counter the nerves by imagining my committee naked. this is thus far the most useful piece of advice i've received. the girl is clearly a genius.

posted by Joanna Ruth @ 4:58 PM

today (over here at least) is not looking inspirational thus far. but there is time for it all to change, for the sun to surface perhaps. the big day has arrived, though it doesn't feel as epic as it might have done. nonetheless, there are beautiful flowers on my desk from a&a, and a lovely picture of oxford from m&p (and some chocolate, which m says is to "make you strong"... a brilliant approach to nutrition as far as i'm concerned) so i'm not feeling too nervous about it all. although it is true that i am reading barthes online, and trying desperately to come up with that final brilliant idea that will have my committee falling off their chairs in admiration. but i probably shouldn't hold my breath on that one. so there are some nerves. but deep down i know that it's under control, and that my concerns are probably more related to pride than anything else. i realised yesterday that we never stop needing affirmation from others; i guess we're built that way. and this situation is no different--i feel like a small kid who's painted something crazy and is showing it to her teacher hoping that they'll pat her on the head and tell her how beautiful it is. whether or not they can make out just what it is i've painted, remains to be seen. and if it all goes horribly wrong, there's always dinner afterwards with miss mm. still, i know that people are thinking of me and (more importantly) praying too, and i know that m has asked pretty much half of chorleywood to do the same, so all will be well. all i have to do now is pick the right shoes. these things matter.

posted by Joanna Ruth @ 11:57 AM

two days until the defense.
nervous.

posted by Joanna Ruth @ 3:35 AM

back in sweetwaters. beth orton in the background (central reservation); a reminder of my last trip to toronto. here in aa, the sky is blue and the cherry trees outside are in bloom. spring is my favourite time of the year.

posted by Joanna Ruth @ 3:17 PM

spring is in full bloom in aa. i went for a walk in the arb yesterday, to see the daffodils.

posted by Joanna Ruth @ 1:22 PM

today was a perfect day in aa. the sun shone, the sky was an unending stretch of blue, and the leaves on the trees were starting to appear. i walked to sweetwaters to read for a couple of hours. then headed home via the farmer's market, which is starting to come to life again. spring is my favourite season of the year, and april is unquestionably the best spring month. everything is full of life and there is so much beauty to be seen. lots of things to notice.

yesterday i was reading rick steves' guide to london, which i bought for miss mm's birthday. i came across this line which i liked: "travel is intensified living." it depends how you travel, of course, but i think he's right. travel at its best should leave you more aware of your surroundings, and of the small details we often pass by in our usual habitats. but then perhaps part of the challenge of living in the present (which i've been thinking about since listening to the screwtape letters again) is learning to live intensely (and therefore to notice the world around us) even when we aren't anywhere new.

tonight was the easter vigil at the campus chapel. it was a little taste of home, since we used anglican liturgy, but--more importantly--it was also a beautiful reminder of the significance of the easter weekend. i'm left feeling grateful, and feeling too that i have a lot to be thankful for.

posted by Joanna Ruth @ 4:03 AM

having finally reached what i believe qualifies as an epic moment, i am faced with the sad truth that my life lacks drama. yesterday, monday april 10th, i handed in my dissertation. yes, that essay i've been working on for the past 4 years or so. all 216 pages of it. hoorah. or so you'd think. but no... as i wedged the final copies into the mailboxes of my unfortunate professors, no drumrolls sounded, no lightning flashed through the sky. i did not feel the urge to leap into the air and shout "woo hoo" in a self-congratulatory manner. still, it's done, finished, and out of my hands. and it may not be the world's best piece of writing, but it's a start, and there will always be time to do more, to get better, to keep practicing. i guess that's what life's all about, after all. so life goes on... today, for example, i did all the things i've neglected for the past weeks. like cleaning and grocery shopping. and taxes. all my least favourite things, in fact. but they have to be done, and there are certain advantages to having food in the fridge. for one thing, it stops my mother using my eating habits as a conversation topic back home. hard to believe, i know. but true: i called home this morning, and spoke to the delightful zv, former lodger at hotel gill and now unoffical fourth brother. when i mentioned that i was off to the supermarket he informed me that he knew all about the lamentable state of my kitchen cupboards. which leads me to suspect that the gill family are not getting out enough. if this is the best conversation they can come up with, i probably ought to stay in the midwest...

in other news, things i did this weekend:
- baby-sitting for mr's 18-month old niece. lots of lego.
- impromptu swing dance lesson. room for practice.
- learned to make cucumber martinis. very tasty.

sunday's sermon was on fasting, and it gave me a lot to think about. this is what i've been mulling over for the past couple of days: "The purpose of fasting is to teach you how to be sweet and strong when you don't get what you want." it's a strange way of putting it, i'll admit, but i like it. i like the idea that we need to discipline ourselves in order to learn how to react in a godly manner when (as will often happen) things don't turn out as we had anticipated. the more i think about it, the more i realise how radically different my life would be if i were able to work on this - reacting with grace to the twists and turns that life takes without warning.

posted by Joanna Ruth @ 3:30 AM

one more thing. i just found out about the campaign to stop the genocide in darfur: you can send a postcard to President Bush. i think you should...

posted by Joanna Ruth @ 8:51 PM

it's raining in ann arbor. the kind of day that makes you doubt the existence of spring. after a morning trying to navigate a classroom of disgruntled undergrads apparently not impressed by Beckett's Waiting for Godot (philistines...), i am back home. stressing. the verdict on my conclusion (recently back from florida) is that it needs some work, and i fear my brain may have reached that point in its life where it is incapable of producing another clever sentence or original thought. ever. and yes, it is doubtful how many of those it came up with in the first place. one idea i had was to rearrange all the sentences and send it back to my prof. however, something at the back of my mind tells me this would not qualify as a clever idea. which proves my point, really. i'm stuck.

posted by Joanna Ruth @ 8:44 PM