insider

once again i am in the department on a sunday, having spent the afternoon at sweetwaters, though this time with friends from gcf. a womens' outing, though i prefer to be less pc and call us the girls. now it's dark outside and i've come to work in the vain hope of breaking into the photocopy room to avoid having to make copies at 7:45am tomorrow morning. but i have failed, so the early morning will have to be after all. despite the continued bleakness of the weather, i'm happier now than i was last week. the blues have passed ... and i'm left feeling only slightly overwhelmed at the fact that tomorrow november will arrive. this is only daunting because it means my two months of reading are up, and i should now be ready to launch myself into writing chapter 3. of course i'm ready for nothing of the sort, but i've decided to try. i'm also trying to read other things that are unrelated to genet and the thesis. i've been thinking more and more about the next step, and i find myself wanting to read good writers, both of fiction and nonfiction, in order to find some inspiration for the writing i think i want to do when i have finished here. i'm excited at the prospect of being back in london next year, and especially at the idea of having a real job that is more connected to the outside world than my current one. and the phd doesn't really seem like a job - more like a way of life. i love the idea of being able to settle into a church back home - hopefully st m's - and finding my little niche in the writing world, if i can. and i think i can. i'm not sure if it's a product of my years in grad school, or the fact that they've been here in the US, but i do have a confidence about my ability to create something good that previously i lacked. and perhaps that's not unrelated to my faith and my growing sense that God is in control of my life, and has good plans for me. so - for once - i feel at peace with where i am, and where i'm heading, even though i'm not 100% sure where that might be.

posted by Joanna Ruth @ 11:15 PM

4:36pm on a Saturday afternoon, and i am sitting in the department listening to one of the Bell Tower's less inspiring medleys, and lamenting the overwhelming greyness of the day. i'm not even sure why i'm here, beyond the fact that i couldn't think of a good reason to go home just yet. i've been sitting in sweetwaters (favourite cafe of old) reading Genet and Jonathan Franzen's excellent essays "how to be alone" and then sitting in Starbucks reading my newest purchase "the corrections", also by Franzen. It's well-written but bleak and his prose demands a certain amount of attention. it's dense, and if you read it all properly it pulls you solidly into the world of the novel, then leaves you feeling disorientated when you look up at the end of a page or a chapter. i'm left wondering whether i feel miserable because of the book or because of the greyness of the day. perhaps it's both. i'm also resisting the temptation to email random friends to tell them i'm feeling less than perky. but that's never a good idea. especially when the people i'd email are much busier than me or preoccupied with more important things than slightly sad grad students who really have nothing to complain about.

just got back this week from the much-anticipated long weekend in NY with m & jp. managed to see jt plus gc & his lovely wife for dinner on saturday. found - to my surprise - that i enjoyed the latter's company most of all. jt seemed distracted and distant, but was perhaps just tired from his frantic city life. still, it was good to see them, and on a deeper level, to reconnect with people i relate to. i miss that when i am here, and am still unable to shake the feeling of being an outsider.

the bell medley continues, and i should go home before coming back onto campus for gcf tonight. i'm glad the weekend is going slowly, and that tomorrow i can do more reading, even if the result is this slightly morose me. it seems to go well with the weather these days.

posted by Joanna Ruth @ 9:48 PM