insider

not sure what to make of the fact that amazon.com's latest book recommendation for me is a biography of hitler. hmm. as if the onset of fall in ann arbor wasn't enough to be miserable about. by way of cheering myself up of late, i have taken to hanging out with bj, the only friend i have who's happy to admit at the end of an evening with me that he's had a miserable time. it makes me laugh. none of this british reserve nonsense. i like someone who's comfortable with 100% honesty. not many of us are. other breaking news is that my parents fly out in less than 2 days to start their magical mystery tour of the US of A. not great timing, i'll admit, but still - i can't wait to see how they react to the midwest.

posted by Joanna Ruth @ 10:44 PM

i did it. me and a huge buick and lots of rain. but i made it, and am soon to be the proud owner of a US driving licence. it shouldn't be exciting, but it really is. am feeling strangely reluctant to go to bed tonight. have been writing to friends all over the world and realising how far apart we all are. strange dinner with bj last night has made me think about my priorities in life. first time in my life that i've spent an evening with someone quite prepared to tell me as he dropped me back at my place that he really hadn't enjoyed himself. if i hadn't found it quite so amusing, i think i'd have been offended. somehow i can't be though. you have to give the boy points for being honest ...
got a postcard from paris and a letter from australia today ... jh is somewhere out there, still travelling, and still sending me strange messages about her 'forever thing' with an old flame. personally i'm much too sceptical about forever to be excited for her. but i want to be excited for her ... and that's about as close to enthusiasm as this grad student is likely to get in the near future. it's close enough for now.

posted by Joanna Ruth @ 5:32 AM

got goosebumps last night watching Bush address congress, and seeing Blair there reminded me that i did have a right to feel a part of this huge grieving process. it still feels like nothing we've ever lived through before. every day seems in some way to be of more import, and the impression i get as i walk down the street is that our moments are more measured now ... there is more thought going into everyday life than ever before.

all things considered, i know it's ridiculous for me to be nervous about my driving test this afternoon. but really ... me in a buick? it's laughable. but this morning a sweet thing happened which cheered me up no end. as i was walking to work, i stopped to help someone pick up some flowers she had dropped on the sidewalk, and happened to comment on how lovely they were. when we'd picked them all up, she gave them to me. such a small thing. but a reminder that someone up there notices the little things in life as well, so i know now not to worry about this afternoon. and there'll be a smile on my face for the rest of the day, whatever happens.

posted by Joanna Ruth @ 2:46 PM

there's a map of the world in my office, probably put up years ago and long forgotten by its owner. i stood and stared at it for a long while this afternoon, tracing distances in my mind between home and all the far-flung places i've stood in these past few months. remembering is a strange land. then i read that i'm not the only one who's been looking at maps today ... not the only one to feel my heart jump at the sight of a place i visited this summer ... a place where i was happier than i think i've ever been. distances can seem even longer than they are sometimes. these things are far away.

posted by Joanna Ruth @ 10:24 PM

random experience of the day: as i was walking to church this morning a police car drew up beside me, and a smiling policeman inside leant over and said "are you walking to church?" when answered in the affirmative, he replied "you're my hero!", and after we both agreed that it was a beautiful day for it, he drove off. most strange, but very sweet ... it left me with a smile on my lips for the rest of the way.
and it's true - it is a beautiful day in ann arbor - the sky is the kind of bright blue that makes it hard to imagine it ever having been any other colour. walking through town this morning, along deserted streets and past quiet houses, was good. lonely but peaceful.

posted by Joanna Ruth @ 8:46 PM

what has happened to the world? it feels as if everything we've ever known has been shaken. everything human that is ... i am grateful that i have something and someone stronger to lean on. but even then i feel shaken myself. and now - after late night emails and agonizing phone calls - i no longer have my best friend to talk things through with. and it's so strange knowing that he is there, living, breathing, wandering though his days, and yet i have no way of seeing him, of knowing where he is or what he is thinking. nothing makes sense to me anymore - i make decisions then wake up the next morning wondering why i was so sure of myself the night before. but these days nearly anything will reduce me to tears ... there is just too much pain around, so much more than we are used to coping with in the flesh. it feels as if even the air that surrounds us has a different texture to it, and every moment seems to weigh a little more. lostness is not easy to walk through.

posted by Joanna Ruth @ 1:54 AM

the whole of campus is buzzing with the news about the terrorist attacks on washington and new york. it is incomprehensible to me that anyone would do this. you have to stop and wonder sometimes, what we have come to. i think this is going to be one of those days we remember forever. truly tragic. no more words.

posted by Joanna Ruth @ 5:03 PM

listening to carole king and the rain pouring down outside my window. as a result, am probably feeling more melancholic than i have reason to, but sometimes it just feels good to indulge one's darker side. unfortunately i seem to have temporarily lost contact with the rest of me. early start this morning because the stubborn side of me (which i think accounts for more than 50%) decided i would walk to church rather than beg for a ride. i think some of my principles may need reviewing … it was a long walk. as a result am rather tired, but am nonetheless wondering whether staying up all night would solve the newly acquired terror which now greets me every morning. how long until i know whether i genuinely can't teach?
met a french guy at church today, which turned out to be less promising than one might hope. as soon as i realized i was going to be unable to entice him into one of those 'don't you just miss all that french food?' conversations it dawned on me that he wasn't going to be good soul-mate material. i shall keep looking.

posted by Joanna Ruth @ 3:40 AM

saturday night, and the air is just beginning to cool after a day of heavy heat which seemed to slow everything down. i'm lamenting the discovery that moulin rouge isn't showing anywhere here anymore, which is just my luck. my movie viewing has gone down in the past couple of weeks, and life is the poorer for it.
wierd day ... maybe because of the stormy weather. managed to get myself into one of those horribly awkward 'could i ask you out on a date one day?' conversations that i try so hard to avoid. but this one crept up on me, and as i was halfway through an icecream at the time, i thought it might be impolite to escape through a nearby window, though that's just what i felt like doing. hideous, hideous ... why do i let myself get into these situations? why i can't be one of those women who can actually say 'no, i really don't see it working out between us' and walk away, i'll never know. my housemate claims to have read somewhere that there are only 6 of those in the world, so i guess the odds are not in my favour. instead, i mumbled something weak and incoherent about not being over the last disastrous relationship i got myself into. really inspired. i don't think he bought it, so now i spend the next 4 months pretending to have moved into the library. i'm sure this is punishment for making such a stupendous mess with sg.

posted by Joanna Ruth @ 4:11 AM

there's a sign in our library that says 'medicine for the soul' and though i confess i probably wouldn't take it that far, there is something comforting about being re-immersed in the world of literature. of course i realise that this is an entirely geeky thing to say. but i figure once you made it to grad school it's probably too late. as sg once kindly pointed out, it's a pretty nerdy universe. point taken. thankfully, living in the midwest gives you the chance to offset all your wierdness with delights such as dunkin' donuts and le dog, the sorts of things you can only survive without until you know they exist. am longing to inject a little moulin rouge into the system, but haven't quite decided upon the ideal movie companion for that one. but it will be done.

posted by Joanna Ruth @ 10:41 PM

first day teaching. dreamt this morning that michael cane was in my class. unfortunately the reality was a lot less exciting: 29 blank faces and possibly the longest hour of my life. here's hoping that things will only get better.

i too have been thinking a fair amount of late - partly about comments in a certain blog pertaining to love and friendship. it's all very well and good (and yes, romantic) to talk about making pledges about enduring love that defy pretty much everything, but i don't think life works like that. or perhaps it does, but only if that love is strong enough to begin with. what do you do with love that is young, or unsure of itself? and if we can't make any such promises, does that mean that what we have is worthless or substandard? i for one don't think so. i think we need to learn more about love, and how it grows. of all things, it's something that cannot be forced. i wish i knew the logic or the mechanics behind all of this, but if anyone did, it would take the beauty of it away. my point? i wish i knew. i think i want to say that it all sounds great in theory, but the reality is that we make mistakes, and not everything that masquerades as love is perfect, or even strong enough to support the kinds of pacts that have movie-goers weeping into their popcorn. that's all.

posted by Joanna Ruth @ 4:38 AM

ok. no more miss nice girl. it it possible to be tired of everything? well almost everything i guess ... there are certain albums in this room that still register on the 'cool things to do' scale, but other than that, i am at a loss to know what to do with myself. i spent all day running around campus, seeing different people, getting stuff done that you just have to do though it's no fun at all. then this evening s and i sat on the steps in front of our little house, ate our dinner and watched the world go by. just back now from band rehearsal. but i'm lonely. when i'm with people, when i'm not. every single friendship i have here seems to be built upon some sort of pretence. not convinced that anyone here really knows me, but i also know i never give anyone a chance. i just feel so out of place here. and friends to call and whine to are in short supply right now. mostly because the ones who know best seem to enjoy dismissing all this as the ravings of a highly qualified drama queen. but it's real i tell you. i don't know how to get up in the mornings without stepping back into this cloud of grey. the thing that terrifies me is that i realised only yesterday that this is the real thing. i'm not a kid anymore, and yet i know that i'm still here waiting for my life to begin properly, for things to really happen to me. i'm still waiting to be happy ... and i feel as if i've been waiting so long that when the opportunity presents itself - and maybe it does every single day - i won't know how to do it. i don't think i know how to be happy.
passed a wall today where someone had written 'seeds or stones' ... and i'm going to use that to write my next song. because i don't know anymore whether i have seeds or stones in my heart - i don't know whether i have the potential to grow, or whether i'm just going to get more and more weighed down.

posted by Joanna Ruth @ 3:20 AM

stayed in last night and watched favourite comfort film. shan't admit which one it is though. ate chinese food and almost felt like i was having fun for a while. tried to call c in a moment of weakness, though of course he has a social life, and was out on the town. kind of wish i was back in london right now. but a long weekend stretches in front of me, and today my mission is to find someone willing to accompany me to the local supermarket. am i fun or what? but a girl has to have some food. can't live on take-out forever, though i may give it a shot this semester. listening to the latest caedmon's call cd, which is quite lovely, but reminds me of oxford and the band, and conseqently isn't really great labor day music. not enough sunshine in it. wow. i am really missing friends back home right now. the ones who know when to call, and when to force you to have lunch with them. self-imposed lunch is never quite as much fun.

posted by Joanna Ruth @ 2:40 PM